Tag Archives: lectures

Activity: Eroticizing Verbal Consent

8 Feb

*** EDIT: Check out this similar blog post! Thanks Melissa for the heads up!***

Recently, I lectured at the University of Michigan Sexpertise event about a variety of sexuality related topics, including eroticizing the consent process and making negotiation sexy. Videos of the lectures themselves are soon to come, but in the interim I wanted to share an activity I used at the end of the event to help the group relax into the idea of clearly and explicitly stating sexual desires in a safe, confidential way. Please note this is an adapted version of an activity done at a sexuality training I attended years and years ago, and I am unable to find the original source to credit them. If you know who it is, please let me know!

Background: We’ve all read and heard about the importance of gaining clearly stated verbal consent from partners before sex acts. But how do we do that in a way that doesn’t make our partner feel like we’re role-playing lawyer or doctor? “I would like to remove your pants and preform fellatio,” might interrupt the flow of a sexual exchange by sounding too clinical.

I suggest that dirty talk is an excellent way to go about negotiating consent while simultaneously heightening the erotic experience. “All I can think about is tearing off your pants and sucking your..” well you get the idea.. is asking your partner through stated desires, just like the earlier example, but in a way that’s likely to heat things up instead of cool them down. Dirty talk is an excellent way to state an interest in some sexual activity, and create space for your partner to say “yes, please!” or “mm, maybe not.. but I’d love to ____, what do you think?”

The problem is that dirty talk can feel awkward sometimes! Follow the cut for an activity to help participants loosen up and get comfortable with making sexy suggestions without being too on the spot!

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Resource List for Curious Students

21 Nov

This is a special and unusual blog update. Tomorrow, November 21st, I will be presenting a lecture called Pleasure in Darkness: BDSM and Kink as Healthy Sexual Options for Psychology of Sexuality at the University of Michigan, taught by the fabulous Dr Terri Conley. The lecture will be filmed and uploaded here in the next few weeks.

For now, a resource list for curious students:


Different Loving  offers a set of interviews with various kink practitioners and interesting insight to the psychology and appeal of BDSM/kink.

Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns is a classic how-to guide for BDSM topics.

The New Topping Book and The Bottoming Book offer a great introduction to how to be a top or a bottom.

Wild Side Sex: The Book of Kink is a question and answer book created by Midori that looks into the psyche of many kinks.


Clarisse Thorn keeps a wonderful blog that explores  many different BDSM community related topics.

Fetlife.com is the kinky version of facebook, and a great way to get in touch with your local kinky community.

The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom keeps a list of kink aware professionals.

This Xeromag Guide to BDSM is a great resource for “how to” on many BDSM topics.

For you cog psych people, here is a fabulous post about how to raise endorphins in a kink play session.


The Secretary is essentially a love story with kinky elements, and a lighthearted and sweet kinky movie.

I have not personally seen it, but I’ve heard wonderful things about Sick: The Life and Death of Bob Flanagan, Sadomasochist.