Archive | Activism RSS feed for this section

Activity: Eroticizing Verbal Consent

8 Feb

*** EDIT: Check out this similar blog post! Thanks Melissa for the heads up!***

Recently, I lectured at the University of Michigan Sexpertise event about a variety of sexuality related topics, including eroticizing the consent process and making negotiation sexy. Videos of the lectures themselves are soon to come, but in the interim I wanted to share an activity I used at the end of the event to help the group relax into the idea of clearly and explicitly stating sexual desires in a safe, confidential way. Please note this is an adapted version of an activity done at a sexuality training I attended years and years ago, and I am unable to find the original source to credit them. If you know who it is, please let me know!

Background: We’ve all read and heard about the importance of gaining clearly stated verbal consent from partners before sex acts. But how do we do that in a way that doesn’t make our partner feel like we’re role-playing lawyer or doctor? “I would like to remove your pants and preform fellatio,” might interrupt the flow of a sexual exchange by sounding too clinical.

I suggest that dirty talk is an excellent way to go about negotiating consent while simultaneously heightening the erotic experience. “All I can think about is tearing off your pants and sucking your..” well you get the idea.. is asking your partner through stated desires, just like the earlier example, but in a way that’s likely to heat things up instead of cool them down. Dirty talk is an excellent way to state an interest in some sexual activity, and create space for your partner to say “yes, please!” or “mm, maybe not.. but I’d love to ____, what do you think?”

The problem is that dirty talk can feel awkward sometimes! Follow the cut for an activity to help participants loosen up and get comfortable with making sexy suggestions without being too on the spot!

Continue reading

Storytime: Identity Assumptions for Advocates

20 Oct

Funny thing about being a radical sexual pluralist and sex positive activist. A lot of assumptions seem to be made about who I am, what I do, and how my body and sexuality are designed. Granted, we all have assumptions made about us on a regular basis, based on how we dress, act, look, or some other arbitrary feature. But I’ve noticed that when I am verbally in support of a group of people that one cannot immediately tell whether or not I am a part of, I am assumed to be a part of that group- because why else would I care?

Nobody has ever mistaken me for a gay leather man, or a nice young pair of men looking to adopt, even though these are lifestyles I vocally support. Of course, you can look at me and tell that I seem to be presenting to the world as a woman, and thus (probably) don’t identify as a gay man (the funny thing here is that, on some days, I do!). However, you can’t look at me and tell if I’m a trans woman, HIV positive, polyamorous, kinky, a sex worker, a Domme, a submissive, a sexual assault survivor, a lesbian, or queer. I am some of those identities, and I am not some of those identities. As I say to strangers who ask me directly: That’s between me and my partner(s), thank you.

I think it’s curious that when I do not immediately confirm or deny association (it feels very strange to say “I advocate for the rights of ____! But, oh, no, of course I’m not ____.”), the assumption is made that I clearly care because I am a part of that minority. I think it speaks to the second, invisible assumption: Who would care but members of that minority?

Continue reading