Storytime: Driving the Car- An analogy for sexual health choices

Polyamorous folks are often asked how we manage risk reduction, and handle fears of STIs. I have a simple analogy I like to use:

Having sex is a lot like driving a car. You can keep yourself safe by:

• make sure you only do it when you’re sober and making rational decisions
• equip yourself with various safety measures (like airbags and seatbelts… or condoms and gloves)
• keep the necessary equipment in good working order (with the help of a mechanic or doctor)
• obey traffic laws (or principals of risk reduction, like using condoms and lube)
• limiting how often and for how long you are driving

But ultimately, even if you are the best, safest driver in the world, you might get T-boned by a truck. So ultimately, when you’re thinking about driving, you have to decide if the destination is work the risk.

The conversations you never have: taking a look at monogamous privilege

[[17Oct2011 EDIT: Thank you Bahli for the link! It seems somebody else has created a list of monogamous privileges. Check it out- it’s much more comprehensive than what I cover here and worth a read.]]

Just a quickie today, and I’m hoping for a lot of audience participation (I know y’all are out there reading, I see the stats, come comment!). Tell me the relationship privilege you’ve noticed!

I generally don’t make a big deal about being poly. I slip it into conversation where it’s appropriate, “oh, my sweetie’s girlfriend had a similar experience,” “yes, my sweetie works at xyz university…. yes I know I said he lives overseas, that’s a different sweetie,” and so on and so forth. Often, this immediately halts the conversation as people request clarification.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love educating. It’s one of my passions! But, there are times when I really wish I could just talk about my life, without having to go into a long explanation of how it works… And it’s at those times that I realize that it’s a kind of monogamous privilege, the ability to talk about your life and love without people needing heavy explanation or defense.

So, in the spirit of Peggy McIntosh, I want to start thinking and talking about monogamous privilege. This isn’t meant to be a negative conversation about monogamy, I am totally into the idea of all kinds of relationship structures, as long as they’re what people want to be doing- but I do think it’s important that individuals within a majority population recognize the privilege they have in some circumstances, even if it’s small social details.

Polyamory: an introduction, kind of

Trying to encapsulate the entire world of non-monogamous relationship options in a single blog post is akin to trying to read all of six parts of Tolstoy’s War and Peace overnight. It’s impossible. For now, I’d like to introduce some terms and concepts that may pop up throughout this blog. This is by no means a comprehensive guidebook, but should give you at least a quick idea of what’s going on when we talk poly! Once more, mileage will vary: you may find different uses of these terms out in the world.

For a more thorough how-to on polyamory, I highly recommend The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. A great online resource for many things poly is Franklin’s Polyamory FAQ.